I am 24 years old. In my entire life i’ve had semi-close ‘encounters’ with 12 women. I will now go over those experiences.
When I was in the 3rd or fourth grade, a girl was supposed to come over my house as a play date. It would be my first ‘hang-out’ with a girl. She cancelled last minute.
In fourth grade, a girl liked me I think because she’d always be hanging out with me in school. I did not find her attractive or realize she probably liked me so nothing happened with that.
Also in fourth grade, there was a cute girl who I liked and I believe I asked her out. She said no and things were awkward.
In fifth grade, one of my buddies set me up with one girl on the bus. He set up a situation where I was allowed to kiss her on the check. When I kissed her, I visibly saw her cringe. That felt bad for me. Then later on, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. But the next day in school, she broke up with me. She told me that she told her mom about it and that they both agreed that she (her daughter) should break up with me. Later on in life, I actually went to her birthday party and completely forgot a gift. I never got caught but yeah lol.
In sixth grade, I lived in Switzerland for a year. I ‘liked’ a girl there and asked her out and she said no. Things were then awkward in class. Also in Switzerland, there was a time when me and a classmate casually walked down a hallway in the gymnasium. We passed by two girls probably a few years older than us. I might have checked them out? I don’t know. All I know is they called us both pigs in french. Why? I really don’t know. They just felt like being jerks? Or did we creep them out by looking at them? I don’t know lol. Really was so random though. I insulted them back saying ‘ta guele tu petite chiens’. That means ‘Shut up your little dogs’. Yeah.. a little weird I know. Then they laughed and said ‘nice one’ in French. Haha
In seventh grade my family moved back to the United States. That year was fun. I got permission to ride my bike to school in the morning. I remember at like 7 in the morning I rode my book carrying a heavy ass backpack about 1.5 miles to school. I showed up soaked in sweat and exhausted. In the morning we waited in the school gym before classes started. One notable thing happened there. First, I hung out with the semi-popular kids. One random guy in the group decided to crush aspirin and snort it. LOL. Other than that, I had a history class. I was a huge class clown. I remember always making the class laugh and drawing attention to myself. Even the teacher was amused because of me and never really got mad at me goofing off. Well, anyways, the girl who sat behind me would always laugh at my jokes and behavior. I will say this, I wasn’t crazy about this girl. I thought she was semi-attractive and nice but I mainly liked her because she liked me. That’s a recurring theme in my life. Anyway, I asked her out in class and she said no. And the whole class knew the situation and I felt so embarrassed. The rest of the year was awkward in that class because of that.
However, during the year we had a field trip. One of my ‘friends’ who was a girl set me and the girl from before up so we’d set together on the ride home from the field trip. She was sad that day because of an event from the past happening on that day many years before. I hugged her and asked her out again because my friend said she would say yes this time. So we were now ‘going out’. The next day in school, I see her and the girl who I kissed on the cheek (years ago), walking together very sus of me. What do you know, the (new) girl then broke up with me saying that she simply doesn’t like me physically or my personality or that I don’t take things serious in life? I don’t know lol.
There was also a case in fifth grade or another grade, I don’t remember. One of my neighbors was a girl who I used to hang out with as well as another dude who lived near us. I had some fun times with the dude. We used to throw footballs to each other and pass soccer balls sometime. I’m not sure what activities i’d do with the girl. Tag? Running around? I don’t know. I just remember I had another case like before. I thought that the girl was semi-attractive, nice and was friendly to me. The connection was logical based on logical factors. But I guess a real relationship usually only works if you feel it in your heart? It cannot be quantified based on logical attributes of the friendship? I say this because I asked the girl out. I thought she liked me just because she was a friend to me and nice. She said no. I think if I was someone who she was ‘crazy’ about, she would say yes. And that’s what happened. She ended up liking one of my friends who of course was skinny and very attractive.
How many ‘failures’ with girls is that so far? Atleast six so far. Then in High School, I asked out another girl from gym class just because she laughed at my jokes and was pretty attractive. She declined by saying she’d go out with me if she could bring her friends along. Then there was another girl who I had a language class with for like four years straight in high school. She was insanely pretty but I never asked her out. I regret it to this day, but I know that reality is usually not expectations. I say that because yes, writing this it seems so easy that I should of asked her out. But, I distinctly remember when I talked to her in person I always felt shy and embarassed. That’s a sign that if it didn’t come natural to talk to her, the relationship (if we would of had one) probably wouldn’t of went well.
Then my first ‘successes’ finally happened. It was the summer after senior year of high school. High school was finally over. I had done a decent amount of crazy stuff. I skipped school, pretended to be someone else to not get in trouble, smoked in school, punched a guy, gotten suspended, told them I skipped school because I had my period, gotten suspended, did LSD in class lol. So finally, the summer after senior year, when high school was over, I worked at a fast food place. I worked there for two months and then I finally realized that my boss was pretty. She was 24 and I was 18 though. I got her snapchat and we saw a movie together. Then we kissed. That was my first kiss. Then she was always busy and I went to college an hour and a half away. We barely kept in touch because we were so far from each other. So then I decided to ask out a receptionist at one of my classes. She said no, she had a boyfriend.
Then at a musical event on campus I went crazy and asked out 5+ girls for their numbers. I think I got 2 or 3. Then I watched a prank on YouTube of a guy walking up to random girls and getting their numbers. I did that on campus with 30+ girls. I then got reported. My hall director had a sit down and said that that behavior is not appropriate and that the girls were uncomfortable. So, I never did that again really. I got a number though from it. She was a very pretty girl. We ate dinner together and she said she was bisexual. Then we talked more and asked each other questions. She quickly realized she didn’t like my personality. But I was still obsessed. Again, I started to like any girl who showed even the slightest liking for me and who spent time with me. But yeah, that girl blocked me.
Then I tried dating apps. I found a girl on there who was slightly bigger. Now mind you, I was in the best shape i’d ever been in my life. I was 160 pounds, went to the gym atleast twice a week, went on 4 mile runs atleast twice a week.. and had just finished a season of wrestling in Senior year of high school. For some reason, I never matched with girls I was attracted to on these apps. I finally gave up and had a date with the only girl who would really talk to me on there. She was quite bigger. So.. yeah, we went to her dorm and watched a movie. Ten minutes in, I am not having a good time. I do not like the movie. Then she caresses my hand and a billion thoughts go through my head. Stuff like “This girl likes me?”, “Why?”, “I’m not attracted to her”, “Why did I come here?!”. I literally jumped up and ran out the dorm! I feel bad for the girl to this day.
Then I had another date with a girl I wasn’t attracted to. I just couldn’t go through with it so we stopped talking. Then there was an actually mildly attractive girl who liked me and tried to pursue me, but I didn’t like her back so nothing happened.
On many occasions during these college encounters I was putting two and two together. I could clearly see that I only liked girls who were insanely attractive and who usually didn’t like me back. I also saw that the girls who liked me, I didn’t really find attractive either.
So i’d do many periods of reflection. I considered that I should try to like girls for their personalities and not so much on looks. I thought that my p0rn consumption was skewing my view of women. So I took a break from porn and masturbation for 6 months. Those 6 months were when I went to random girls on campus and asked for their phone numbers and got in trouble. Again, at that time I was at peak physical health and decent mental health. Probably my peak. How did I not manage to have a relationship with one girl? Again, I tried not going for the insanely attractive women i’d usually go for. But the girls besides them I just didn’t like enough. Nothing worked out.
I even went to quite a few parties and dances and got the numbers of girls but that didn’t work out either. I had also made a group of friends and tried to ask out a girl just because she was friendly and talked to me a decent amount (my usual mistake lol). That didn’t work out either.
Fast forward to the few months before I left college. I had a reading class. I remember there was a girl in the class who was assigned to be in a group with me. I remember reading a book out loud or explaining a concept and this girl was fascinated by me! Saying that I have unique outlook on life and am very smart or something.. I really appreciated it. We talked after class as we walked to our dorms. This might sound wrong but as I talked to her I realized she was on the spectrum or neurodivergent or had an intellectual disability, I don’t know. She was attractive and nice yes. I also believed she liked me. I would of asked for her number but I felt it was wrong. I don’t know why. I just felt that dating or pursuing someone who was neurodivergent wasn’t right. Almost like i’d be taking advantage of her? So that’s the end of that.
Since then, I met up with the first girl I ever kissed. She had been sending me pictures beforehand. We finally met up and I was high on marijuana and I couldn’t ‘perform’ well enough to have intercourse with her. So, she left. I was too ‘clingy’ and still tried to have a relationship with her after that. I guess I texted her too much so she blocked me. It’s been 4 years since then and I still think about it.
So yeah. Atleast i’ve had some relationships and physical interaction with women in my life. Just not recently really.
Will getting a girlfriend make me happy and solve my problems?
Will getting laid solve my problems?
To find a woman, do you rely on fate and wait till you miraculously end up next to the love of your life? Or do you act intentionally, and go out your comfort zone to meet women when you otherwise would not?
I have no idea.. but i’m gonna keep going regardless.
Thanks for reading,
Max.
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