An LSD Story

I have taken acid ( LSD ) around 12 times in my life. I don’t remember all experiences vividly and completely, but I had some interesting experiences.

First off:

I remember one time I decided to take acid in school. I brought it in my backpack and took it in the bathroom. Then I went to art class and started intently drawing daredevil as my artwork.

I distinctly remember shading in his forehead with a red color pencil and being amazed.

While doing that, all the people at my table asked me if I was alright. I don’t know why I seemed not alright. Maybe it was because I was sweating, maybe it was because I seemed anxious, maybe it was because I looked confused?

I do sort of remember looking at them and feeling off and questioning everyone.

After that, I went home on the bus. At the same time I got to my front yard I saw a UPS driver walking through my yard to deliver a package.

I had so much empathy for the guy. I could see so closely how confused and scared he was. And I felt the same way just looking at him. Maybe he was scared because of the fear of dogs? Or maybe he was just sad because he had to deliver packages as a job? I don’t know.

Then I got inside, went to my room, and sat on my bed.

I could not do what I always did on days like those. I had to do something different. The LSD was making me question everything.

I’d usually get home, masturb*te, play League of Legends, talk to friends online, and smoke or something.

But that day I was fed up. I felt so much disdain towards myself that I wasn’t a ‘normal’ kid. Normal meaning, a regular high school kid who’s always texting his friends, always in group chats, shit like that.

Those kind of kids would of went straight to their friends house or to the beach or done something outside.. unlike what I usually would do.

So I sprung up, left the house, and started walking. I was basically losing my mind. Doubting every thought and action and all of my past. Paranoid about everything. Worrying, confused, scared. Genuinely scared lol. Questioning my whole life and feeling like i’m dying.. not knowing who I am.. ego death, existential crises.. etc. Lol.

While walking on a path towards my local supermarket, I encountered a guy who went to my school. It’s not a joke, but this guy actually had some ‘intellectual’ disability. I think he was on the spectrum or something.

I started talking to the guy and realizing all my guesses about him in the past were wrong. Well, no, he was indeed ‘special’ for lack of a better term.

But, I got to know him and realized he had just as many feelings as I did. He felt things deeply just like I did. He had family problems just like me, I believe he told me his uncle overdosed on pain killers, and I told him sorry that happened.

I don’t know why, I just experienced so much empathy and compassion for him in that experience.

Then I left and walked to my other friend from high school’s house. I basically had another panic attack / existential crisis.

I was telling him how I was on LSD. Besides the LSD, the LSD brought all of my deepest insecurities to the surface. I felt like I was dying, so I didn’t care to share them.

I told him how I don’t know who to be. That’s actually a problem I face all the time. People like my parents always tell me how i’m an ‘actor’ and always have been, and even how i’m an ‘unpaid actor’. I have been more aware of that recently too. I notice i’ll remember a scene from a movie or video and keep it in my mind as I re-enact the character who was in the scene. Except, I don’t do it for movies or whatever, because i’m not an actual actor.

I believe I do it because I don’t know who to be in life, and re-enacting a scene I once saw, makes me feel like i’m actually ‘someone’. You know? Because the people in the movies or whatever did that scene and were ‘someone’? I also use it to try to gain a desired effect, like if the scene was funny or made someone laugh, i’ll do it in real life to try to get people to laugh. It rarely works though. I believe it’s easiest to be funny when you’re not trying.

Anyway, at my friend’s house he was consoling me and hugging me. Then his girlfriend’s brother was there. His brother was on the spectrum as well. And I remember being aware of how I judged his brother as having ‘something wrong with him’ and not taking him as seriously as someone without a disability.

I felt horrible about that too. Again, I felt this deep deep huge feeling of compassion, understanding and empathy towards people I normally did not feel. Then I talked to the friend’s Dad and he recommended me a therapist who helped him.

Then my sister picked me up and I was different with her too. I was a lot more open minded than usual because of the LSD. I was aware of how in the past, I wouldn’t open up to her because i’d always have my guard up, due to her being a girl or other reasons. So I purposely tried to not do that.

Then, the whole ride she was so happy. I never saw her that way with me. She was holding my hand and saying how she’s so happy that we’re finally getting closer to each other. I felt terrible because the only reason that was happening was because I was on LSD. I did infact tell her I was on LSD but she never addressed it?

Then we picked up my brother from college and went home. My brother was very chill that day.

Then I told my Dad and Mom I was on LSD. My mom was so disappointed and scared and did not leave her bedroom. I had told them so many things along the lines of me basically having ‘ego death’ and being scared i’m dying and regretting so many things in life and who I am.

My Dad actually comforted me that day. He asks what I was seeing. I told him that everything was cartoony. Then I was telling him I didn’t wanna grow up and get a job. He told me he didn’t like working either.

The weird thing was, I got this impression talking to my Dad that he had his guard up as well, just like I always did. I can’t explain it, but basically I just sensed that Dad, deep down, was also very sensitive and emotional. But, he’s so good at being a ‘human’ that it’s hard to tell.

I don’t know, I just knew I couldn’t really open up to him if I couldn’t see his authentic self either.

Anyway, we wrapped things up and Dad made sure I was okay before I went to bed.

I remember that night, telling myself i’d forever remember what I learned that day and change regardless of if the LSD would wear off or not. Then, I searched existential posts on reddit, consisting of shit like “I don’t know who I am” or other suicidal and panicky posts.

On top of that, that day as well as today, I genuinely feel that deep down I am just one big actor.

People have called me sociopaths and that I have problems with people because I can’t understand that.

That all may be true. But what I really think is that I am a huge faker or have a personality disorder. Sort of like Dexter in the TV Show?

Essentially what I mean is that I am not actually who I appear to be. And that i’m just faking being a good human. Not in the way everyone says — sort of in a psychopathic way. I can’t explain.

Basically that I have really good techniques to seem normal and fit in, but I actually am no one. Just an empty shell who can put on a big front.

Not like regular people with a real personality, but as someone who constantly has to pretend. 🙁