I started college in 2018 at Eastern Connecticut State University. The first semester was alright. I had two roommates. One roommate was barely ever in the dorm. The other was in the dorm quite a bit.
During one of these two semesters, I can’t remember, I went to a concert for Lil Baby on campus. Lil Baby no-showed and wifisfuneral was playing instead. Everyone was booing the guy. I remember feeling special that day and decided I wanted to cut the crowd to get to the front. When I first tried cutting people some black dude looked at me and told me to stop and that he wouldn’t let me cut him. I didn’t care and tried again. Then the dude squared up with me and sucker punched me before I even knew what was happening.
I then fell on the ground. A bunch of people looked at me and asked if I was okay. I got up and looked to my left and saw a bunch of short black girls laughing at me. I then went over to them and started flailing my arms at them. They started screaming and scratching me.
Then I was escorted out and questioned by police. No one ever found the guy who sucker punched me, and I didn’t get in trouble for fighting the girls.
After the first semester I went back to the same dorm and both my roommates were gone. I had the dorm all to myself now. I initially wanted this, but reality kicked in. I ended up getting really lonely, scared, and paranoid. I started overthinking my life and thinking I was secretly a horrible person and that’s why my roommates moved out. I think I just wanted someone to vent my problems to but I had no one. Someone to make me know I exist because I could talk to them.
That whole semester was fine, but as time went on the loneliness got more and more worse.. I started reading Nietzche and using his philosophy to comtemplate my life.. or shall I say ‘overthink it to death’. I guess it was my fault, I could of put myself out there by going to clubs or study groups more.
The next semester I moved into a dorm with 4 separate rooms for each of us roommates. I had one and the other three had a room to themselves as well. The first day, right after classes, one of my roommates showed up at my door and offered me weed to smoke.
I vividly remember him showing up at my door and saying “you smoking?”. I figured it couldn’t hurt. I had been nine months sober from weed at the time. I remember that life without weed was alright, it was just slow and most of my days were unexciting. I vividly remember sitting at my computer desk and being tired, like most days. Then my roommate offered me the weed.
He had a dab pen, and I said yes. I took a ‘blinker’ and got blasted. A blinker is where you smoke the pen for 8 – 10 seconds, until the timer automatically shuts off and you can’t smoke anymore.
After that, I felt relaxed, chill and tired. Everything felt slow and my body felt a bit hot. I started analyzing my whole life and all of the present moment. I smoked every day after that. It mostly made me wanna sleep and eat. Also hide in my room because I was always afraid people knew I was high lol.
Fast forward a month or two, and my college was having room inspections that I totally forgot to keep track of. I had just bought a bunch of homegrown weed from a friend and left the baggy right on my dresser.
I went to class at like 4pm and came out at 6:45pm. A cop was waiting for me outside the school building. He ambushed me and casually told me that they found weed in my room and handed me a ticket.
I remember going to my dorm and starting crying, panicking, and feeling as if I was dying. I thought I was going to jail and that my life was over. I was now a criminal? A horrible person?
I was really dumb though, I got the ticket waived and kept smoking. I don’t know why I didn’t care. I honestly think that it didn’t smell because I would smoke in the bathroom with the shower running and a towel on the door. Looking back on it, I should of just smoked a dab cart instead of flower. A dab cart does not have a strong lasting smell.
So my hall director caught me again due to the smell I think. I remember him going into my dorm and I put out a blunt I was smoking inside. I flushed it down the toilet and my hall director watched as I did it and tried to stop me. I flushed it anyway. My hall director had called the cops prior and then they finally showed up. The director told them I just flushed the weed and they were like, ” if it’s flushed we can’t do anything” ( since they had no evidence ).
Fast forward after all these events, I was still having residual feelings of paranoia and fear after having two run ins with police and almost thinking I was going to jail. I was seriously so scared there.
So one day I decided I wanted to go home. I told my hall director and my advisor. Both of them basically begged me to stay. I’m serious, the two run ins with the police and getting into a fight at a concert had fucked up my psyche so bad. Looking back on it, my actions were irrational, but they still happened none the less.
I distinctly remember after all this prior shit, I tried to move on and keep going to class and study. I went to one class and I remember having schizoprenic thoughts and delusions. Well I don’t know if they were delusions, because they could of really been happening.
In a nutshell, I went to a history class and I vividly remember paying close attention to what my teacher was saying. It sounded like the teacher was teaching shit as normal, you know, following curriculum and saying shit like “in so and so, this and this happened ” ( I think he was teaching about early africa or something..), and in between his curriculum I would hear him talking about me.
I honestly remember him, in between his normal teaching, saying shit like “that’s the guy who got in a fight at a concert” or “that’s the guy who would vape ever 5 minutes in class and disrespect the teachers.” or “that guy left his vape in class” or “that’s the guy who argued with his teacher and was extremely disrespectful.”
He wasn’t wrong ( if he did in fact say all of that. ). Yes, I did do all of that stuff. In one of my classes, or probably all of them, i’d secretly vape in class every 5 – 10 minutes. I had an older teacher who i’d vape an ooze vape pen ( picture below). in class with. That vape was insane. You know how if people are gonna vape nicotine they use a juul or a pod vape or a pocket mod with low nicotine? Well, the normal ones are like 800 watts. I went crazy and vaped 50mg of nicotine in a cartride that people would use if they wanted to vape weed!
I was vaping on 4.2 volts on a 1100mah ! That shit was powerful!
Long story short, I left the vape in class and then the teacher gave it back to me later on. But since I heard my history teacher later on supposedly bashing me for vaping in all my classes, I figured that all of my teachers secretly had communication about me. So I started getting very paranoid and then I would think that literally anyone on campus knew my reputation. People like the janitors who might have known I flushed a blunt down the toilet.. or random students on campus who might have heard stories or pictures of me about how I got punched at the concert..etc.
I remember there were points in time where I was all alone in the dorm, and I stopped for a second and made no noise and listened to the sounds going on around me. I heard janitors sounding like they were narrating my life as if they were spies or in the cia. Saying shit like ‘he’s not making any noise’ or ‘he just moved’ or ‘we don’t know what he’s doing.’
Can you imagine if that happened to you? Wouldn’t you be freaked the fuck out? And not the cliche freaked the fuck out I mean genuinely believing in your heart and soul that there are evil people monitoring you.. and out to get you? That you have no privacy. As if you’re an actor in a movie, and you have movie critics critiquing your every move? Except this is just a random day in your life? So it makes no sense?
Then not to mention what happened in my sociology class. I don’t have exact memories, but I remember thinking the teacher was bad or rude, so I spoke up in class and started arguing with her and then left the class. I think I also argued with a girl who wouldn’t stop talking.
What’s weird is that I was getting my computer science degree. Why I was in that class? I don’t know. I don’t think it was required. Then the teacher reported me to the dean and I had a meeting with him and apologized. Then I just dropped the class.
So yeah, all of this added up. I thought the sociology teacher, the teacher who found my vape in class, the hall director who called the cops twice on me, my roommates, the janitors and all the people at the concert where I got beat up were in on everything. I had no friends to vent to or to help me think rationally. I also forget to mention that I frequently got in arguments or fights with the roommate who first offered me the weed. Plus I even believed random people who I walked past on campus, or random people on campus in general, were ‘in on it’. Meaning, they all knew the bad shit I did, and had communications with others about me.
So I literally believed everyone was out to get me.
So then, back to the story, when I finally went to that history class, I without a doubt had ‘evidence’ to believe the teacher really was in on it too and knew my reputation as a chronic weed / nicotine smoker who fought with teachers.
Why am I this important that a shit ton of people on campus were supposedly ‘keeping tabs’ on me? Is it my hubris and big ego? Is it my active striving to be unique and original and talented in society and people are jealous? Maybe? But given how often i’d hear this gossiping about me on campus I doubt it’s me making shit up or genuinely hallucating. I don’t know.
But yeah, I obviously could not focus or go to classes considering I would hear everyone around me sounding like they were constantly shit talking me.
So I had great reason to leave. So I did. I dropped out and go to a different college now.
Unfortunately, I still hear people around me sounding like they’re talking shit about me to this day. I am unsure if it’s my schizoaffective disorder hallucinations, or it’s me misunderstanding what people are saying, or if they really are.
Looking back on it, it was so fucked up. My hall director, the guy who essentially caused all this by calling the cops on me twice, was trying to play the ’empathetic, caring, nice guy’. I’m serious, he tried showing me feelings as if he was my friend, when he almost could of gotten me arrested. Long story short, a few days later I told no one and called an uber back home. Then covid happened.
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