by Maxim Babadzhan
Just a small update for my blog. I have recently been on a dopamine detox.
I have noticed that while I do have a lot of energy, that is only a good thing when I am doing something. Otherwise, when I am idle, like in bed or something, that the increased energy makes me restless if I am not doing anything.
Or if i’m in bed or something you know, and am sick of everything ( like — checking discord or watching tv shows or movies or youtube ), i’ll end up tossing and turning in my bed in agony.
I also hate that the only thing I get out of bed for excitedly is to go on my computer. That is why if I have multiple days in a row of getting up because I wanna go on my computer, I stop myself, and don’t do it. I am just not proud of it.
Other things I could get up for is to go on a walk or run or something. Besides that, there’s also getting up to eat food. But getting up to do chores like do laundry, wash dishes, take a shower or clean my room does not excite me at all.
I want to emphasize my gratefulness though. I am extremely grateful that I am not forced to work, especially a minimum wage job or working paycheck to paycheck.
I absolutely detest jobs, especially minimum wage jobs. They are soul sucking, demoralizing, boring, tedious, energy-sucking, and horrible. Atleast the ones i’ve worked.
Not to drone on about it, but pretty much every job i’ve worked at has been minimum wage and blue collar. I worked my first job at 18 at a wendy’s. I worked there for 3 months as a cashier, fry cook, dishwasher and janitor.
Some others have been at: Marshalls, Ocean State Job Lot, Tropical Smoothie Cafe, Shoprite, Stop & Shop, Dunkin Donuts, and Dollar Tree.
No places have hired me for an actual legit job, like one in an office or WFH related to my major ( computer science )
I had an internship for game design but it was for a staffing company so it didn’t seem real at all.
So yeah, the past 7 years i’ve only worked as a janitor, deli slicer, cashier, cart attendant, fry cook, and smoothie maker.
Long story short, the max I could work at a time consecutively is four hours, up to 3 -4 days a week. Even with that kind of schedule, I get easily overwhelmed, dislike being around people for too long, don’t like too much eye contact in a day, and I am usually always unhappy at the job. I do the job slowly and with a frown on my face because the pay is garbage, and I don’t know how my co-workers ( and really any other minimum wage worker ) works so fast and keeps their emotions in check despite being paid so little, and because the job is just not fun / enjoyable especially for these jobs that are physically taxing.
I’m not joking, it really baffles me. I see cashiers and fast food workers working at the speed of light with a neutral look on their face and even put in attention to detail, treating every customer with care and suck and they can go for hours and hours? How? How do they not have constant thoughts go across their mind saying:
“This sucks? I get paid $15 an hour? I have to work as fast as possible and serve hundreds of customers an hour? Why would I even like this or have a smile on my face or want to do this?”
That is exactly what happened to me when I worked at Wendy’s. It started off okay as a cashier, I had the honeymoon phase like at any job. Then I just got tired. Like a kind of tired that doesn’t go away even after sleep. It was more of a mental fatigue.
I got sick of smiling and acting authentic with the thousands of customers I served in a day. I just couldn’t do it.
So yeah, my point is that i’m extremely grateful I am not forced to work a minimum wage job, like some people. I feel horrible for those people working paycheck to paycheck, and genuinely hate it so much and are feeling tortured every second at work. If anyone like that really needs help, i’d recommend them looking into Unemployment, Food Stamps, and Social Security. They could definitely get it if they have real documented mental illnesses or physical illnesses.
Anyways, besides that, I have my other problems that anyone else. My parent’s wedding dinner is in several days, and my sister is coming home too. The dinner will probably be a little intense or scary at certain parts, but probably enjoyable at others. I will also hang with my sister too a little bit as well.
I am finishing up my computer science degree and in my free time like to watch tv with my family, eat good foods, have good sleep, and get some occasional excercise. I have big goals and ambitions but my results have not shown me that they are not very practical. That is why, while I do have big aspirations, sometimes unrealistic ones, I also like to practice gratitude, and buddhist practices.
Like the buddhists, I really like not being obsessed with desires and materialism. The more I do that, the more I can stop being so fixated on becoming rich or famous. Because let’s be honest, I probably won’t be. And the possibility of being it drives me insane, making me trying extra hard for no reason. I don’t like cop-outs, but it is so much more peaceful and okay to live a life where I don’t beat myself up everyday for not making progress towards being rich or famous.
I also, sadly, don’t have many fun hobbies anymore. I don’t like video games anymore.
But yeah, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading!
Max
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