Things have been crazy. I am suffering every day, but am also very motivated and wired occasionally.
I have had headaches every day allday nonstop for the past 4 years. I also have extreme neck pain and a chronic cough. Plus, my head shoots with hotness on the side a lot.
I also have random stomach pain all day, usually from anxiety, emptiness, sadness, anything. It could be these meds i’m on.
I have schizo-affective disorder with depression But, the treatment resistant kind. Meaning I hallucinate and also am depressed. .4% of the population has it. But its quite treatment resistant so very few medicines have helped.
I’ve been on all major popular anti-psychotics to treat it, such as risperidone, geodon, an injection called invega sustena, seroquel, olanzipine, caplyta, thorazine, haldol, and now the big kicker: Clozapine.
For as-needed meds, I’ve tried Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, and Hydroxyzine. None work, and I know it has to do with my body chemistry or the current new meds i’m on, because I remember taking half a Xanax when I was 18 and was sent into a trance-like, spacey state of mind, which then, caused me to steal my Dad’s vape, because what complements a benzodiazepine like the buzz and dizziness from nicotine? Lol.
As far as anti-depressants, I’ve been on a shit ton of those as well: Lexapro, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Effexor, Pristiq, Cymbalta, Lamictal, and Trazadone.
In my experience, i’ve never liked anti-depressants because I never actually ‘felt’ anything while on them, because by the time they supposedly ‘kicked in’, which takes atleast a few months, I usually had gotten so accustomed to the headspace from, I guess, the drug gradually causing its effects, that I never noticed anything ‘dramatic’.
On Wellbutrin though, I remember it made the buzz from a nicotine vape be so much more intense. It also made the high from weed insanely intense too I believe.
Also, I took acid while on Lexapro at college and the trip was more intense too.
But about anti-depressants though , I always thought they just flattened me out.
As far as rec-drugs, I’ve vaped nicotine many times but have abstained for a year and a half now, I’ve also smoked and vaped weed, but have abstained from that too. I do drink alcohol but have not felt the effects of it in a while, probably because of the meds blocking it or because i’m such a big guy I need a lot more to feel it. I don’t even drink coffee because it makes me wired and more paranoid.
I have tripped on acid times 10+ times many years ago ago. I had a complete existential identity crisis when I was on a ‘heroic’ dose of acid which was 450ug, which is 3 times the normal dose. If it wasn’t for acid that one day I would of never joined the wrestling team my senior year. And because of that heroic dose trip, I experienced what it’s like to be completely vulnerable and transparent with my self. I felt like I had 0 self esteem or confidence, and that deep inside, I am actually very insecure and wish I had better character traits and confidence. Anyways.
I’ve also tried shrooms but they did not work.
Back to anti-psychotics though, one thing that Clozapine actually does that I like is it makes me tired as shit, all the time. Well actually, no, I don’t like it, well not completely. If I was a billionaire, and was somehow content with everything he’d done in life ( as in completed his bucket list or something), it would be great. But as of right now, there is only so much sleep I can get before I just can’t do it anymore.
My all time max amount of sleep in a row is 18 hours.
Seroquel also made me tired which was cool.
But as you’ve guessed it: i’m still really young.. so once I do wake up from these insane slumbers I want to do something with my life, especially because I still have ambitions and goals ( some of them very hard and maybe impossible, like making a succesful business, app, or idea and getting a lot of customers/ viewers, and making money from it.)
But, the problem is, from waking up at 3pm on most days, nothing, literally nothing wakes me up. I’ve tried waking up and immediately playing league of legends.. and I doze off before I even get in game.
Or simply watching videos or listening to music is so unstimulating that I doze off doing that too.
And no, I can’t drink coffee because it makes my stomach feel weird, I get more paranoid, and I get obsessed with coffee and start thinking about it all the time as ‘my savior’ lol and my secret weapon for productivity, which leads to all nighters and possibly another psychotic episode. So just no.
(BTW: Yes, if you haven’t already noticed, I overthink and worry so much, I know.)
Anyways, The only thing that keeps me up is if my parents are asleep at like 9/10pm, so I have the night all to myself.
Or, going on a walk, is pretty stimulating. No I do not fall asleep on the walks, so that’s good. But when I get back to my room i’m right back at square one with all the fatigue.
Back to the point though, i’ve gotten pretty burnout on living like a freeloader. At first, since my last job in August of last year, I enjoyed the free time. Then I just got sick of video games, jerking off, eating, sleeping a lot, etc.
I truly believe that any normal human being with no responsibilities will eventually go mad from the lack of fulfillment in his life.. Unless they’re self-medicating with weed or whatever.. or has already done stuff in life, like said before. Or, if they are a human outlier and does not need purpose in their life.
But i’m in a bind. I’m tired because there’s nothing stimulating to wake me up usually, and I can’t even do many things because i’m usually very tired. It’s a vicious cycle.
I haven’t been working on the fps game because I lack motivation and am discouraged from how much work needs to be put in. For now i’ve just beeing doing designs on photoshop.
That is, when i’m not off-put by college studying and the fact that I need 42 more credits to try and get a job in this economy, all while having mental disorders and social anxiety.
Plus the pain and ailments are off-putting and make it harder to do things.
But anyways, yeah, I’m in college for Computer Science by the way, so college work always is my first priority, as its my surest option of getting a job to move out with.
Aside from that, I’m also taking another break from league of legends after losing 9 games and winning 1. So far this break has again made me realize how often my brain defaults to escapism by queuing up a league ranked game.. and without it, I still have doubts constantly like: “My life is pointless anyway” or somewhere in that realm where I don’t care if I waste time in a video game, that if it’s fun it shouldn’t matter if it’s bad for me.. and I keep debating if league of legends is holding me back or if it’s addictive.. who knows. But for now, I might have not even wrote this post if I was playing league instead.. so yeah. And it doesn’t even matter because i’m such a low rank anyway.
Oh yeah and did I mention i’m on the next level of treatment for my headaches? I supposedly ran through the entire catalog of pills to treat it, and am now on an injection called emgality. These shots hurt like hell.. literally, my first dose was double the standard ( cause it’s the starter dose ), and I got one in each thigh. It felt like venom was spreading through both my legs LOL! It wasn’t as bad as people say, and my nurse administers it, so that’s a bit more comforting.
I also do blood work every two weeks to test my white blood cells because I am on clozapine, which has the risk of fucking up my white blood cell count.
For now, if i’m still alive for it, I might even post new posts of artwork on the ‘art’ page or even new blog posts here in the future.
But yeah, if something were to kill me, I hope it’d be quick.. because i’m in so much pain as it is, and I have no idea the causes of most of it…so yeah. Why would I be hopeful when I have no guarantee of feeling better?
Am I supposed to look forward to moving out, living with a girl or my mom or a roommate and having less stress and being able to sleep more? Sadly, that is exactly what I want, minus the job part because I literally have no discipline to be able to work everyday.
That could change based on if something makes me want to live again. But to be honest, even this blog post is probably the only one i’ll make for months. If only I could get paid for them.. but I have to gain traction or make a killer business or whatever for that.
Oh yeah, and I am paranoid as shit all the time too. I hear people talking in the distance and they either are evil assholes who are really talking the shit that I hear, or my brain is fucked, or some other sound is muffling/ distorting it.
But about the anti-psychotic i’m on again, (clozapine), since it makes me sleepy, I can always count on taking it to prevent being wired on all-nighter and so that I fall asleep and nothing crazy happens ( like being wide awake for 2 days straight, hearing neighbors talking to me, and calling 911 and going to a psych ward, which all actually happened to me.)
Thanks for reading and leave a comment and come back to the site again in the future!
-Max
Leave a Reply