Today was technically productive, but per usual, had so many bad moments.
I gained weight despite consciously eating less than I wanted to on many occasions.
I woke up fairly early despite wanting to sleep all day because I knew if I ‘gave in’ and slept all day, i’d wake up at night feeling like shit.
Stomach felt like shit from the coffee. Drinking water after it helped.
I missed going to the gym because it closed and I didn’t wake up in time.
I also, per usual, did my unhealthy breakfast eating. It consists of sleeping, waking up at 6am, eating, then going back to bed. Then waking up at 10am, eating, and going back to bed. Then at 2pm I woke up for real.
Played some video games, got off feeling like crap. Then I ate two slices of pizza, also felt like crap.
Then I forced myself to get up and go for an hour long 3 mile walk. All of that was bad too. So many loud cars and motorcycles stressing me out. Also alot of people I passed seemed like they were staring at me. They were also very loud too. A lot of the places I walked were dirty, had trash along the ground, and had run down houses with people sitting in front of them talking loudly and looking at me.
I felt immensely under pressure and uncomfortable. Most of the women I passed too were unattractive.
I also had to cross the street many times and wait for cars to let me go. On top of that, many streets do not have a button to press for me to wait till I can cross, that was annoying.
On a positive note, there were a few moments where I could take a deep breath and feel satisfied. Mainly after going from an area with a lot of people stressing me out, to there being no one and it being a large stretch of land to walk.
It also felt good getting home and being done with it. The fresh air was also nice. It also just felt nice knowing i’m doing all this on my own. I live alone. I don’t even have pets. Everything is on my own. 80% of the time i’m bored and lonely, but hanging in there. Not sure what else to do.
It also felt good that I didn’t walk just to buy food on the trip. That’d ruin the point of it all. I guess you could say I want a job but don’t think I could manage one. I really just want something i’m capable of doing and kind of enjoy everyday for atleast four hours. I’d be content then I think.
There was some nice scenery on the walk too, and the music I was listening to was good as well. Not really sure how I can stop myself from gaining weight. I’m always hungry. I don’t know how to eat on a calorie deficit. I either starve myself or eat too much. Being on a calorie deficit of 300 – 500 calories daily would require immense effort of counting calories and even water intake. Counting calories for me is really hard to get right. That’s because there’s foods that are hard to count, such as yogurt or ice cream.
It also is not about calories. It’s about the weight of the food. No one talks about this. When you eat a food, you don’t just gain weight based on the calories of it (3500 calories is one pound). You immediately gain weight based on the raw weight of the food. So if you eat an apple that is 100 calories, you’d think you’d gain 100/3500 of a pound right? Which is 0.028 pounds.
Wrong. If the apple actually weighed 1/4th of a pound, you’d immediately gain .25 pounds. But then once your body completes it’s digestion process of that apple (bowel movements and stuff), you’d return back to actually only having gained the calorie amount (0.028 pounds). I’m not 100% sure this is all correct, but i’m pretty sure based on experience.
I also don’t really know why I should care about my weight. Yes, I look really big in the mirror and am ashamed. But food is the one of the few things that distracts me from my pain. That’s why I want ozempic. I really only started to care because I was at 273 pounds and was close to getting diabetes. That was scary.
My sister told me she lost 50 pounds by essentially still eating whatever she wants but walking three miles a day. Oh and for me to stop eating late at night. She probably would say that my habit of eating 1000 calories in the morning then going back to sleep is a problem too. I just don’t care enough right now. Too many bad things going on: loneliness, emptiness, boredom, sadness, etc.
I keep thinking I could ease that if I went back to nicotine and weed. The nicotine could distract me with the buzz of it and it’s appetite supressing properties. The weed could keep my brain fried so I stop overthinking and needing to do shit in my life. It’d make me content sleeping and doing nothing all day.
I mainly quit that cause it ate away my savings and was actually worstening my problems. In the long run, my stress was much worse overall from all the nicotine. And my paranoia was also worse everytime I smoked. I mainly keep thinking to go back to it to again, numb all the negative thoughts I have. So many people I see around here are smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking alcohol and just seem numb and mindlessly okay with doing nothing.
My innate desire to not do that is a desire to make money so I can relieve my past guilt from losing a lot of money and suffering major suicidal thoughts because of it. My brain thinks if I make money again, the pain will go away, and it will ‘save my life’ because my suicidal thoughts will lessen.
Overall, i’m just looking for activities to do that make money easily and is technically not a job. Or I just want to get out of this mindset altogether that I need to make money. But it’s so hard. I feel it’s the only way out of the pain and suicidal thoughts.
Anyone have any suggestions? Most people I know spent most of their time working, that’s why they don’t really think about hobbies or activities much. That’s also probably why they don’t struggle with eating as much as I do: they are more satisfied from working their job and making money, that they don’t stress eat like I do.
I’m assuming that most people in my position would be grateful they didn’t have to work, and at first, I was. Then I just got plain bored. I’m grateful, but that doesn’t fix my boredom and emptiness. I desperately want an easy activity to make money. If anyone has any, please comment them.
I’m assuming most people in their free time do not have my mindset that their hobbies need to be online on a computer (playing games, etc) and instead don’t spend much time doing this because they instead enjoy hanging with friends, family, lovers, etc. I socialize and hang out with people a good amount, but still feel empty.
I keep saying empty probably because i’m hungry right now lol. I probably am thinking right now of all this negativity because all the ’empty’ moments keep building up to right now, and all the empty moments were from being hungry and knowing I shouldn’t eat too much incase I gain weight. Life is hard.
I will say on a positive note, yes it’s sad, but most days are a battle to kill time. Once it reaches 9pm, I don’t even care about the past or that I kill time. Time flies by knowing I can let myself sleep finally. I find it sad that I must kill time everyday. But atleast at 9pm, things get better. I just know that I won’t give up.
One day the pain might go away. I might have money, more satisfaction with life, less time on my computer and more time outside. I might enjoy being outside more. I might lose weight. I might love life instead of killing time till bedtime. I might hang out with friends more, have a girlfriend, etc. I might find better medication. I might even find a job that works for me. I might have less boredom and a schedule filled with more activities I enjoy.
-Max
Leave a Reply