My First Time in The Psych Ward

My first time in the psych ward was in 2021. I believe it was either October or November 2021.

What caused me to go up there was a mini blowup with my family.

Up to that point, a lot of bad things happened to me. First off, I was broke and worked many odd jobs. I worked at Adam’s Supermarket and was fired and was also fired from Stop & Shop. I was fired from both places for being ‘weird’ with people. That’s a nice way of saying it lol.

Then, I was smoking weed a lot. One time I decided to ride my bike three miles to the gym, have an insane workout, and ride three miles back.

When I got home, I was so exhausted and decided to take an extremely large hit of the weed pen. After that, I felt an immense wave of hotness all over my body, and I felt insane pressure and fatigue, but, energy at the same time.

After that, I was lying on my bed in the middle of the day. All of a sudden, I heard people talking as if they were standing out my window. It makes me scared just remembering it because I feel like it could happen right now. I don’t know what happened.

I basically heard neighbors talking as if they were right outside my window.. but i’m pretty sure they weren’t.

I heard an older woman adult neighbor basically telling other people near her that ‘I’m a pervert’ and that I make the whole neighborhood scared and uncomfortable for constantly ‘checking out the women’ and that ‘i’m a pig’.

In response to that, I hear an older adult male try to console her saying ‘He’s just a guy’ doing ‘normal’ things..

I don’t remember what happened after that. But fast forward to now, I rarely hear things like that from neighbors. Maybe it’s because i’m on extremely strong meds for the voices, or it’s because i’ve consciously changed my behavior with neighbors?

But i’m still confused.. I still glance in neighbor’s windows but I now make sure to never look more than 3 or 4 seconds consecutively. That’s staring and I try to never do that ever really. Did that change things that much that neighbors now are okay with me?

Or was it all an illusion anyway, and I never heard those voices in the first place when I got really really high after the gym before?

I don’t know, cause I had various incidents where I heard neighbor’s voices as if they were right near me in the past 3 years as well…

Luckily in the past year and a half, knock on wood, I haven’t had an incident where things are quiet and I hear loud neighbors talking about me or to me saying derogatory things, and i’m grateful for that. I will continue being extra respectful to not stare, atleast not in my neighborhood where bad things can happen.

Anyway, back to what led up to the psych ward in the end of 2021.

So yeah I got really high after the gym and heard voices. Then, I met up with a girl I met in 2018, then went to college and didn’t see for two years.

So we met again somewhere in 2021 and were trying to have intercourse. I got high beforehand, thinking nothing of it and that it’d give me energy and confidence.

It gave me energy in the form of anxiety, and confidence not in the way I would of wanted. I was confident with everything except getting it up. I could talk smoothly, I could give her pleasure, but could not get it up.

We tried for 10 – 20 minutes, then she bleakly told me it was alright and left soon after.

Fast forward to the end of 2021, we were having a family dinner. I was in my room playing Doom Eternal, trying to use avoidance and escapism by playing video games and listening to music.

I had just taken a new medicine for my chronic cough, called Montelukast. This medicine had many reports of causing suicidal thoughts. Looking back on it, I think it was suppressing my cough so well in a way that all I could sense in my mouth was the burning and tickling sensation of the urge to cough.

But, without the actual full sensation of having to cough, so I think all I was feeling was burning and tickling in my throat and not knowing why. That burning and tickling causes hot flashes and an insane sense of pressure all around my body.

That pressure caused me to overthink everything I was feeling and everything around me. Usually causing paranoia of sounds.

So, as I was playing video games having these sensations, I started focusing on what my family was saying in the living room while they ate dinner.

Either they were actually saying it or I was projecting my own insecurities, but I was hearing horrible things. Things such as that i’m a bad person for skipping dinner, that i’m a pussy, and that I ruined my life and am a loser. I don’t know for sure.

After that, I confronted all of them and started yelling and then a family member restrained me and I tried pushing them off me. Then I think I threw a chair and punched a wall.

After that, they insisted I leave the house. So I stayed with a family member for a few weeks. Then I went to the psych ward. My family would only let me come back if I went to the psych ward.

That’s where the fun began.

I stayed in the emergency room for 4 or so days before I was transferred to the psych ward.

I remember getting in and immediately being forced to get my vitals done – where they measure your blood pressure and pulse. The whole time, everyone in the ward was staring and inspecting me.

The ages of people were from 18 to like 35. It was in New Haven, CT.

There were black people, hispanic people and white people.

I was paired with a roommate who was short, beefy and black. He had faded face tattoos. Really nice guy. I regret it to this day but I started our friendship by me commenting that his tattoos were faded, which was probably rude.

After that, some girl patient in the ward set up a bunch of kids who knew how to freestyle rap songs. I joined them and listened in to a really talented tall dude rapping.

After that, I can’t really remember the chronology of events in order so i’ll just talk about the notable things that happened.

First off, when I got out the psych ward, I realized I gained 25 – 30 pounds. Also in the psych ward was my first ever taking of anti-psychotics for my schizoaffective disorder. Matter of fact, that psych ward visit was the first time I was ever properly diagnosed with hearing voices and being schizoaffective.

Schizoaffective means you have schizophrenic symptoms combined with a mood disorder. I was technically diagnosed schizoaffective-bipolar, meaning i’m schizoprenic and have bipolar disorder too.

They prescribed me a moderately strong injectable shot called invega sustena while there. I believe it made me so tired and always hungry.

The food in the ward was so fucking good. It was a Yale psych ward so I guess that’s why the food was amazing.

They had hamburgers, fries, unlimited soda, chicken tenders, pizza, and you could get as much as you wanted. But sadly, it got too good too fast. I realized after having an indulgence phase of splurging not caring and eating as much as I want, because everything else sucked and I was always bored, that I had gained like 15 pounds in the psych ward. I think I realized this while actually in the ward by looking at what I weighed on the scale.

Then I went into moderation phase. I purposely tried not to overreat but it was so damn hard because I didn’t have many distractions.

You see, in the real world, I believe it’s so much easier to lose weight. When you’re hungry, you can distract yourself in many different ways. You can play a video game, or go for a walk, or write or study or work or do a hobby. Or when you’re thirsty for soda you can drink diet soda or whatever 0 calorie sweet drink to replace it.

And the best distraction of all is: sleeping.

In the psych ward, I was always tired, and for a long time I wasn’t allowed to go outside. Besides that, you have the option to play checkers or chess or color, go to group, or watch TV.

I might be ungrateful, but none of those things really did it for me. Reading in my room kind of did. And when I could go outside, that was a good distraction too.

But the food thing still was so hard. I remember going into a moderation phase and caving in still and gaining like another five pounds before I left the ward. Again, all in all I gained like 25 pounds in there even though it felt like I wasn’t even eating that much. To this day, I haven’t been able to go back down to the weight I was after the psych ward. And it’s been like four years.

I don’t like blaming anything and being a victim, but I am pretty sure the meds i’m on make me tired, lazy and unergetic. They help a lot with voices and paranoia, but I think it’d be easier to lose weight without them. It’s fine though, I’ve actually lost weight recently, even on these crazy sedating meds, and plan to lose more.

Ok, so another notable event from the psych ward. Alright well there was this blonde tall skinny girl in there. I actually sat with her and her little ‘clique’ she formed. I kind of liked her, but I was a bit loopy I think and I misconstrued her politeness and general friendliness towards everyone ( including me ) as her liking me.

Fast forward a few days being in the ward with her, I decided to write a note to her. I labeled one side of the note with her name, and in the back of it I said “I like you, will you be my girlfriend” and signed my name.

After giving her the note and her reading it, I believe she was embarassed and creeped out. I then saw her speak to the resident nurse watching everyone. I thought she reported me for being ‘creepy’ or something.

I then told the nurse i’m sorry for creeping the girl out and he had no idea what I was talking about.

Yeah.. I just decided to try and forget about all that lol. I don’t think I spoke to the girl very much again.