Things have been O.K.
I still do not have a girlfriend or much of a social life. I have been taking a break from league of legends, which was, weirdly, a big part of my social life.
Winning in that game gave me a huge ego boost and made me actually feel like somebody, because of gaining ranks and being better than others.
I have taken a break though because I literally played 10 ranked games and lost 9.
I overthink all day everyday and I have tons of gray hairs, even at 24 years old. My grandpa commented on it and I felt bad.
Stress makes my head hot and pulsate.
Besides that, some good things are that I am progressing in school, with my Discrete Math 2 class. Even though the progress is slow I am still slowly doing better based on doing better each test.
I am trying to get in better shape. What’s actually worked is that I stopped weighing myself and lost 8 pounds. Since then I haven’t weighed myself again and am unsure if I am back at the start weight or lost more or just maintained.
Either way though my diet is very lax: I eat as much as I want, and do not restrict myself so bad because eating is one of the few things I enjoy and look forward to in life. What i’ve done to compensate for that is occasional fasting, slowly mixing in more fruits and vegetables, going as long as I can before eating fast food, and the big one: Doing atleast 10 pushups a day.
It’s weird because I felt my biceps when I first started and it was all mush. Now, I have a streak of about a week of doing atleast 5 pushups a day and have maintained / even grew my biceps out. I can feel the progress when I feel my bicep.
On special/ manic days, I also do situps, bicep curls, tricep curls, and squats.
I do not go to a gym because I could not stick to a routine. At one point I legit only went to the gym twice in a year. I paid $16 a month too. So I essentially paid $192 to go to the gym twice. So literally $200 for about an hour and a half of an experience.
Working out at home is not as special as getting into a new scenery life in the gym, but atleast now there’s really no excuse not to excercise. I don’t skip going because I am self consicous about being overweight around people 100x more in shape than me. I also don’t worry about being known for my insecurities – like for staring at people or looking at people too much. Also don’t have to worry about making girls uncomfortable.
I have also been dealing with extreme OCD problems. I can’t sit and study on my computer for school for 5 minutes without getting discouraged from how hard or boring the subject is – so I start biting my nails and fingers or picking my scalp.
It is seriously so fucked because I can’t sit still without fidgeting. And if I don’t fidget and just sit still, I get bored and tired and want to sleep.
So it’s a double bind. Beside that, what gets me most motivated in life is making something self-made. I’ve mentioned this before, but I dream of making an original iPhone app, or website, or game, or really anything.
It doesn’t matter which, but I am choosing the one that is easiest to do but most rewarding.
For me right now – it’s writing. I am writing a novel about the lives of some teenagers.
I have no idea why I do it because most people who aren’t blessed and do what i’m doing ( writing a book ), just publish it on Amazon, and no one knows about it or reads it.
So I will either market it as being able to be bought for a $1 on kindle, then advertise it on reddit or manually by email or telling friends. Or if i’m really confident i’ll buy google / facebook ads. Or even try to game the SEO system.
Seriously though, even though this book might go nowhere, I NEED something to work on – anything – that is important! And my definition of important is extremely high difficulty, since I come from having a lot of money and losing it all.
A better option would be to get a job, but I do not like committing to a work schedule, and I even have a hard time balancing life with school, let alone a job too. I guarantee i’d be so tired if I did a job and school that I’d end up skipping one or the other until it failed.
But yeah, I am on disability and food stamps so I can’t get a job ( maybe not , I have to research ). But again though, I am writing this book to feel like i’m doing something with my life.
Reading has also saved me too. Being able to distract myself from my problems by reading a book has allowed me to calm down in times of panic and even feel productive.
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