You know what else completely baffled me? I went into writing today’s blog posts purely to rant on how so many people literally do not give a shit about me at all. Seriously.
I’ve gone through months and months of chronic pain and even feeling like I can’t breathe so many times because of my cough.
The only person to reach out or text me if they notice I haven’t left my room is my brother. I think my Dad did too a few times.
My Mom used too but that’s my fault because I usually don’t answer her calls.
My sister does occasionally, yes, but I do not feel comfortable being myself around her because, we just have problems.
But you might say some quote along the lines of “nothing changes if nothing changes”, or something like: “I shouldn’t expect people to reach out, and that I need to make the first move”.
I have, but I also have a problem with desiring social connections, but while i’m actually in a social setting, I want to get out as soon as possible.
So, my conclusion is, I don’t think neither my mind nor body knows what it wants — or knows what it needs. I don’t know what I want or need to get better.
I texted literally every friend in my contacts over the past year or so an opening like “hey” or “whats up”. Half haven’t even responded, some replied to the first message but just went awol after I tried to keep the convo going. And others, the conversation just dwindled because of lack of interest from me or them.
But besides that, look, all i’m saying is, the past year and a half i’ve felt stuck in a rut. I’m very sick and it’s hard to make changes and try new things, and no one beside my brother actually believes that my ability to get better is severely hindered by ailments.
Then there’s my supposedly closest friend ( we’ll call him T), who, when I explained my vicious cycle i’m in ( that i’m too hurt to get help and I can’t get help because i’m too hurt ), he did not express much sympathy at all, and said, that there are people with no legs, and this or that, and they are more succesful than me.
That may be true, but I might actually be in more pain than those people. It’s not a contest.
But I won’t lie, I have been putting my success and ability to turn my life around up to randomness and fate. That one day, after hundreds of days where I sleep in till 3, and do nothing, maybe, just maybe i’ll win the lottery and something will happen to me to save my life.
I also have some wishful thinking even with this blog right now that it could lead to making money.
That’s also a problem: managing expectations. I don’t want to be dissapointed if I give up on this or anything really to make money, but I also want some realistic expectations that if I try hard enough, or that I am worthy and talented enough to make something succesful, if I try hard enough.
Anyways, back on the feedback thing, I told my mom about my health problems and about being suicidal, and she said all I have to do to fix it is try new things, and that essentially, I know how to fix it, i’m just not trying. Basically, to fix my loneliness, hang out with people more, to fix my boredom, watch one of the ‘millions’ of movies out there, or read a book. My dad said to read a book too whenever I say i’m bored. I told him i’m suicidal, and he said to call 9/11 lol.
But yeah, I hate to say it, but they were right. And F*CK all of my fake friends who didn’t reply when I needed someone to hear me the most when I was at rock bottom. And i’m not even out of it yet. But what really saved me from going to the psych ward is…… reading, so that’s what i’ll end with. Thank you books, fuck you mindless scrolling on tiktok, youtube shorts, and instagram for making me feel horrible about myself that i’m wasting my time or seeing people who are “better” than me doing “better” things with a “better” life.
And fuck you self-help gurus for your clickbaitey titles that appeal to my insecurities and preaching a “magic pill” like quitting porn or “productivity” hacks. Not to mention the people like the kardashians who disable comments from non-famous people, and advertise their companies and make millions after millions, probably not even from posts from they themselves, but their management teams.
And also, you ‘self-help’ gurus, i’m still posessed by them, because now all I do, trial after trial, is that ‘one-thing’ to make me ‘rich’ or ‘better with ladies’ or whatever. I can’t help that those videos still hook me, but maybe one day i’ll find my own technique and that’ll work.
-Max
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